Emotional Tyranny vs Supple Boundaries

Emotional tyrants believe they are right to the point of demanding conversion from their partners. Furthering a climate of potential conflict, they refuse to meet someone halfway. “Never,” “absolutely not,” and “because that’s the way it is,” are some key phrases the tyrant uses to impose their will on another.

The choice of emotional tyranny is one of blind action. Instead of listening, the tyrant lectures, nags, screams and preaches. He will also enforce his position by “punishing” the unwavering partner through lack of cooperation or a refusal to hear a different point of view. By not taking into account the other person’s position, the emotional tyrant denies the relationship the chance of a fully cooperative partnership.

The tyrant – usually without conscious awareness – hopes that an onslaught of words and a refusal to bend will eventually wear down their partner. The folly of this hope lies in the tyrant’s secret dream of the day their partner will approach them, saying, “Now I get it! Thank you so much for teaching me what is of course, without a doubt, the right thing to do. What could I have been thinking?” This unlikely scenario is most likely the opposite of what actually results from emotional tyranny: distance, anger, and the breakdown of communication.

What is the other choice to be made when one person’s right is their loved one’s wrong? Is there reconciliation without complete agreement? Yes. Because our ability to step back and implement elastic, benign boundaries during a dispute gives us the necessary distance to cut short our urge to become tyrannical. Refusing to engage in emotional tyranny is, for those who are susceptible to it, a conscious effort to stay flexible and emotionally supple. Just as a healthy tree bends in the wind, personal integrity prevents us from becoming brittle.

Some examples of the language of emotional tyranny: “Enough!” “How many time do I have to tell you that?” “You always promise but you never do it!” A Bridezilla is good example of being overwhelmed by your own emotions and insensitive to others i.e. an emotional tyrant.

Some examples of the language of supple boundaries: “I’d prefer not to talk about this right now. Can we make a date to talk about this when we’re less heated?” or “Is there a way to talk about this where we both feel comfortable?” A bride who can take into account the needs of others at the wedding not merely her own has supple boundaries.

Insisting we are right and not entertaining the possibility that another person’s point of view is valid is a shot to the heart of an integrated partnership. Emotional tyranny throws up barriers and simultaneously tramples bridge building boundaries. It is only through the recognition of one’s tyranny and subsequent efforts to establish boundaries that the cycle can be broken.


Here are some steps you can take when you feel emotionally overwhelmed:

1. Take a deep cleansing breath. Or two or three.
2. Quietly think about what your NEED is, but don’t say it out loud.
3. Ask the other person first what’s on their mind in this moment.
4. Reflect back what the other person said.
5. Build a bridge from what the other person said to what your need is.