Wants vs Needs

Many people do not make a distinction between their wants and their needs. Patients often ask me: How am I supposed to know what I need?

A “need” is basic to your survival and a “want” may provide enjoyment but you can live without it.

If you need something, your needs don’t go away. Whereas if you want something, and you don’t get it, you can still feel quite fulfilled once a need is met.

An authentic need can be satisfied such as the need for love, the need to use your physical self, a need for community, a need to be visible.


A want is something you may feel that you need but you can live without it.

When you confuse your wants and needs, you may never experience satisfaction. The feeling of insatiability creates barriers between parts of yourself as well as between yourself and others.

The turning point between knowing what you need (which creates a boundary) and not knowing what you need (which creates a barrier) is one more step towards finding happiness.

A good way to determine what you need and following this to distinguish between your needs and wants, is to commence writing. After a few days of journaling, start to question yourself and begin to concretize what you truly need versus what you want. If you see that there is a repetitive topic, it may indicate that the underlying theme represents something that you need.

However, if there is an obsessive element to the repeated “needs” that can’t be satisfied, you may be confusing your wants and needs. Remember: an authentic need can be satisfied; a compulsive wanting can’t be.

For example, in your journal if you’ve been writing for days about a watch that you have to have, ask yourself, once you have it will you be satisfied? If the answer is “Yes!” and you can afford it, test yourself, buy it and see what happens. How long does it make happy you? If it creates a strong feeling of satisfaction over a long period of time, it’s possible this object really was something you need or had a symbolic meaning for you and fulfilled something else. If you didn’t feel satisfied then you know you were dealing with a want and not a need.

Confusing wants and needs creates a barrier. Knowing the difference creates a boundary. Wanting your partner to give you something, but not telling him that you want it, creates a barrier. For example wanting your partner to give you a massage, a cup of tea, a birthday party, but feeling he should know by now that I would want that, is a barrier.

Some of us do not even know that we need a massage from our partner, or the gesture of bringing us a cup of tea, or the grand sign of making us a party-- something that tells the world that we are important to him. Then we resent that he never thinks of these things on his own. We build a giant size brick wall between ourselves and our partner that he cannot scale—mainly because he does not have the ability to read our mind.

THE RULE IN THE TURNING POINT BETWEEN WANTS AND NEEDS IS TO DISCOVER WHAT YOU NEED, AND INFORM THE OTHER PERSON. EVEN IF HE IS NOT FORTHCOMING YOU HAVE SATISFIED YOUR OWN ABILITY TO KNOW WHAT YOU NEED AND TO PUT IT INTO WORDS.

Like the Beatles song, “we don’t always get what we want”. But the need to take care of ourselves well enough to inform ourselves of our own thoughts and feeling is a large leap forward.

Once we know what we need then the next challenge is to distinguish between our wants and our needs. Suppose our partner does not give us the massage, or the tea, or the birthday party—we can then have the choice of whether we want to think of something that he already gives us that satisfies our need. For example, perhaps he takes care of the bills, or he works on the garden, or he shows up every evening, and we can choose to realize that his behavior also helps to fulfill our need for recognition, companionship, or nurturing.

Becoming aware that we are the choices we make gives us an increasing freedom over our lives and access to living a life filled with happiness.

Emotional Tyranny vs Supple Boundaries

Emotional tyrants believe they are right to the point of demanding conversion from their partners. Furthering a climate of potential conflict, they refuse to meet someone halfway. “Never,” “absolutely not,” and “because that’s the way it is,” are some key phrases the tyrant uses to impose their will on another.

The choice of emotional tyranny is one of blind action. Instead of listening, the tyrant lectures, nags, screams and preaches. He will also enforce his position by “punishing” the unwavering partner through lack of cooperation or a refusal to hear a different point of view. By not taking into account the other person’s position, the emotional tyrant denies the relationship the chance of a fully cooperative partnership.

The tyrant – usually without conscious awareness – hopes that an onslaught of words and a refusal to bend will eventually wear down their partner. The folly of this hope lies in the tyrant’s secret dream of the day their partner will approach them, saying, “Now I get it! Thank you so much for teaching me what is of course, without a doubt, the right thing to do. What could I have been thinking?” This unlikely scenario is most likely the opposite of what actually results from emotional tyranny: distance, anger, and the breakdown of communication.

What is the other choice to be made when one person’s right is their loved one’s wrong? Is there reconciliation without complete agreement? Yes. Because our ability to step back and implement elastic, benign boundaries during a dispute gives us the necessary distance to cut short our urge to become tyrannical. Refusing to engage in emotional tyranny is, for those who are susceptible to it, a conscious effort to stay flexible and emotionally supple. Just as a healthy tree bends in the wind, personal integrity prevents us from becoming brittle.

Some examples of the language of emotional tyranny: “Enough!” “How many time do I have to tell you that?” “You always promise but you never do it!” A Bridezilla is good example of being overwhelmed by your own emotions and insensitive to others i.e. an emotional tyrant.

Some examples of the language of supple boundaries: “I’d prefer not to talk about this right now. Can we make a date to talk about this when we’re less heated?” or “Is there a way to talk about this where we both feel comfortable?” A bride who can take into account the needs of others at the wedding not merely her own has supple boundaries.

Insisting we are right and not entertaining the possibility that another person’s point of view is valid is a shot to the heart of an integrated partnership. Emotional tyranny throws up barriers and simultaneously tramples bridge building boundaries. It is only through the recognition of one’s tyranny and subsequent efforts to establish boundaries that the cycle can be broken.


Here are some steps you can take when you feel emotionally overwhelmed:

1. Take a deep cleansing breath. Or two or three.
2. Quietly think about what your NEED is, but don’t say it out loud.
3. Ask the other person first what’s on their mind in this moment.
4. Reflect back what the other person said.
5. Build a bridge from what the other person said to what your need is.

Dr. Kathryn Faughey

I did not know Dr. Kathryn Faughey, but we had a lot in common. We are both psychologists in private practice, who worked within a mixed group of psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers on 79th street on the upper east side of Manhattan. From what I read in the papers, she was a beautiful redhead, extremely compassionate as a therapist, a great wife, and beloved by her large group of family and friends. I wish I could have met her at a psychology convention or in a restaurant, or at any other professional meeting rather than hearing about her tragic death by the hands of a psychotic individual.

Dr. Faughey's death brought emotional disruption, fear, sadness, and also great beauty into my life. Even before I read about her tragic killing, my telephone was ringing off the hook, as were my e-mails. The worry and love that poured into my life on the days that followed were a tribute to the kind, great woman that she seemed to be. People that I had no idea even noticed me were telling me how much they worried about me when they first heard of the tragedy and also how happy they were when they found out I was still alive: telephone repairmen, the super of my building, patients from near and far, the man who fixes my jewlery, the barista at the place where I buy MY de-caf, the sweet Irish florist that sells me flowers each week, even the women in the large group of students who study with me every Thursday..

There is a lesson to be learned from this outpouring: Many people in your life really care that you are in it. I had no idea that so many people had noticed me. This is a moment to stop and pause and realize that although no one ordinarily expresses interest and love as a matter of course except perhaps the most nearest and dearest, and that is only sometimes at best, the people whose lives cross yours find you as important as you probably find them.

As a tribute to the senseless death of a very fine person, say something affirming to someone who is in your life--of course the ones who are close, but also the people who are part of your life that come and go depending on what service or product you need.

A second lesson to learn from this tragedy and any tragedy is how much life is like the weather--one moment it is sunny, then it is cloudy, then it rains, then it snows, and then it is sunny again. Of course Dr Faughey is not here to experience any more sudden changes that are out of her control, but the rest of us can learn yet another lesson from this good person's sudden end--each day we are here is a miracle and if we allow some small realization of this to enter our awareness--it will enhance our appreciation of everyday life.

Blame

Blaming someone else for a problem can feel so satisfying in the moment that it can be difficult to pause and see the damage being done. But placing blame is a hollow victory. Ironically by blaming another for a problem, you are actually handing over your power. It is now up to that person to make your life either glorious or miserable. By blaming another, we take ourselves – our understanding, empathy, and input – out of the mix and assign the control to someone else. We lose our connection to ourselves and the other person and are often left feeling dependent, victimized and powerless.


What is the other option, then, when blaming seems the only logical thing to do? The other choice is to take partial responsibility for the conflict at hand. It is this choice that gives us a sense of control and the possibility of lasting happiness within a relationship that is certain to have bumps along the way. It also allows us to complete the task of growing up, as we develop new skills for handling conflicts that remind us of earlier times. Taking responsibility means pausing for a beat in a moment of stress and resisting the reactionary urge to instantly blame the other party.


It requires emotional centeredness, and a fresh set of eyes that can take a step back and look at a situation with clarity and empathy. By making the choice to take partial responsibility rather than blame, you have the power to create your own happiness independent of your partner. Here are some steps you can take in a moment of stress to avoid blame: Stay in control. Remind yourself that the momentary feeling of power blame can give you is false and actually leaves you powerless. Get unstuck. Blame can be a bad habit.


Break the cycle any way you can: walk away from a fight, meditate, or talk to someone new about the problem. Grow fresh eyes. Force yourself to actively see a situation from the other person’s point of view. Reverse the charges. Take an honest look at how you contributed to the problem. Let it go. Sometimes the only way to move past a problem is to consciously proceed forward. Don’t hold on to your resentment. Remember: these steps are the ideal. A life worth living puts us on a path where we strive towards our ideal way of being for a lifetime.

"If you want to be loved, be lovable."—Ovid

Staying in love after the initial flush of romance has faded is what they don’t show us at the movies. The couple kisses as the sun sets, the credits roll and that’s that. But in reality, two people moving forward in a relationship are constantly changing, riding an ebb and flow of connection and disconnection. While some parts of any relationship may be wonderful, no love is perfect. This is a truth that leads many people to disappointment.

The key to achieving contentment in our romantic lives – and, for that matter, in our lives as a whole – can be found in how we respond to unexpected disappointments and inevitable upsets as well as the good times.

Each moment of stress with our loved ones, and within ourselves, offers us an opportunity to make a choice: the decision to impulsively react or to respond with thoughtful intent.

I call these moments: turning points.

For example, imagine you are waiting outside a crowded theater and it’s 8:05. Your husband’s late; it’s raining; you just know the usher won’t let you in once the curtain’s up. You see him running towards you from the subway entrance, and in the next 20 seconds you must make a choice: you can greet him coldly (certain that he will register this as a continuation of an ongoing argument about how he never manages to leave work on time), thus committing yourselves to a tense evening. Or, you can take a deep breath and actively choose to give him the benefit of the doubt rather than making an instantaneous assumption of guilt. Did he spend too long chatting with a colleague on the way out the door? Maybe. Or, were the trains delayed? What if he lost five minutes helping an elderly man with his umbrella? Who knows? Ultimately, in 10 years, will you remember the reason he was five minutes late or will the impression of an enjoyable evening at the theater endure?

The interaction may seem mundane, given how many similar scenes are played out each day, but by choosing the latter scenario you can actually make an informed decision: one that puts you on a path towards long-term happiness over the short-term release of discomfort.

Many of these decisions happen under the radar and are the product of gut reactions and behaviors left over from habitual responses to stress developed in childhood. But by learning to recognize, for example, the subtle distinctions between good selfish and bad selfish, detaching rather than withdrawing, or cultivating patience over passivity, you can make each stressful encounter a constructive stepping-stone in your relationship.

The distinguishing factor within each Turning Point is a decision to erect either a boundary or a barrier between yourself and a loved one. Boundaries, the responsive choice, allow a comfortable space to be maintained between two individuals. Barriers, the reactive choice, scream: “don’t touch me!” and “get out!”

Within each Turning Point, the reactive choice creates a feeling of impermanence, the transience of being, and the capricious manner in which our lives hang on a whim. The responsive choice fosters a feeling of lastingness, open-ended good will to ourselves and those around us, gratitude and a general feeling of well-being, or trust, in the face of whatever occurs.

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Over the last 40 years, I have watched these turning points unfold again and again in my therapy practice.

In this Blog, I will explore these choices, these turning points, as well as other topics and current events, relating to how to have successful love and work relationships as well as finding joy in everyday life.