"If you want to be loved, be lovable."—Ovid

Staying in love after the initial flush of romance has faded is what they don’t show us at the movies. The couple kisses as the sun sets, the credits roll and that’s that. But in reality, two people moving forward in a relationship are constantly changing, riding an ebb and flow of connection and disconnection. While some parts of any relationship may be wonderful, no love is perfect. This is a truth that leads many people to disappointment.

The key to achieving contentment in our romantic lives – and, for that matter, in our lives as a whole – can be found in how we respond to unexpected disappointments and inevitable upsets as well as the good times.

Each moment of stress with our loved ones, and within ourselves, offers us an opportunity to make a choice: the decision to impulsively react or to respond with thoughtful intent.

I call these moments: turning points.

For example, imagine you are waiting outside a crowded theater and it’s 8:05. Your husband’s late; it’s raining; you just know the usher won’t let you in once the curtain’s up. You see him running towards you from the subway entrance, and in the next 20 seconds you must make a choice: you can greet him coldly (certain that he will register this as a continuation of an ongoing argument about how he never manages to leave work on time), thus committing yourselves to a tense evening. Or, you can take a deep breath and actively choose to give him the benefit of the doubt rather than making an instantaneous assumption of guilt. Did he spend too long chatting with a colleague on the way out the door? Maybe. Or, were the trains delayed? What if he lost five minutes helping an elderly man with his umbrella? Who knows? Ultimately, in 10 years, will you remember the reason he was five minutes late or will the impression of an enjoyable evening at the theater endure?

The interaction may seem mundane, given how many similar scenes are played out each day, but by choosing the latter scenario you can actually make an informed decision: one that puts you on a path towards long-term happiness over the short-term release of discomfort.

Many of these decisions happen under the radar and are the product of gut reactions and behaviors left over from habitual responses to stress developed in childhood. But by learning to recognize, for example, the subtle distinctions between good selfish and bad selfish, detaching rather than withdrawing, or cultivating patience over passivity, you can make each stressful encounter a constructive stepping-stone in your relationship.

The distinguishing factor within each Turning Point is a decision to erect either a boundary or a barrier between yourself and a loved one. Boundaries, the responsive choice, allow a comfortable space to be maintained between two individuals. Barriers, the reactive choice, scream: “don’t touch me!” and “get out!”

Within each Turning Point, the reactive choice creates a feeling of impermanence, the transience of being, and the capricious manner in which our lives hang on a whim. The responsive choice fosters a feeling of lastingness, open-ended good will to ourselves and those around us, gratitude and a general feeling of well-being, or trust, in the face of whatever occurs.

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Over the last 40 years, I have watched these turning points unfold again and again in my therapy practice.

In this Blog, I will explore these choices, these turning points, as well as other topics and current events, relating to how to have successful love and work relationships as well as finding joy in everyday life.